Ahoy, me hearties, you want to be a pirate? Avast ye, all you need is an eye patch, a fondness for grog, a parrot on your shoulder and, possibly, a lower extremity that began as a maple tree. Or even a hook where your wench-grabber should be. Repeat after me: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me
We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, and loot
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho
Okay, I get it, there’s more to being a pirate than looks. Artificial extremities are a lot of trouble. And you get sea-sick. No problem. Piracy is an attitude, a posture, a way of life unencumbered by morality. You can wear a business suit with shiny shoes. You can even wear glasses. The parrot is optional. Why, a pirate could even be a member of Congress!
Polly want a kickback.
Shut up, Polly! Speaking of Congressional pirates, introducing Representative Ted Yoho of Florida, a Tea Party Republican whose name can be rearranged to spell, “Do the Yo.” He has a piratish name and attitude. He “did his yo” on New York Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on July 20th on the capitol steps. Yoho accosted her and told her, according to The Hill, that she was “disgusting.”
We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
What did she say that made Yoho go Aaaarrrrgggghhhh? Ocasio-Cortez, according to The Hill, suggested that “poverty and unemployment are driving a spike in crime in New York City during the coronavirus pandemic.” What bilge water! Who would believe such a thing? Well, Ocasio-Cortez, obviously. And the Bureau of Justice Statistics, which reported in 2014:
Persons in poor households at or below the Federal Poverty Level (FPL) (39.8 per 1,000) had more than double the rate of violent victimization as persons in high-income households (16.9 per 1,000) for the period 2008–12, the Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS) announced today. Serious violence (rape or sexual assault, robbery and aggravated assault) accounted for a greater percentage of violence among persons in poor households (38 percent) than in high-income households (27 percent).
Pirates care nothing for facts. If poverty triggers crime, then it would make sense to fight crime by fighting poverty. But that would mean giving money and services to poor people and a good pirate like Yoho would never stand for that.
We extort, we pilfer, we filch, and sack
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho
After calling Ocasio-Cortez “disgusting,” Yoho added, “You are out of your freaking mind,” reported The Hill. The congresswoman told him he was being “rude” and continued on her way. Yoho, who was accompanied by Congressman Roger Williams, a Texas Republican, then said in a voice loud enough for her to hear, “fucking bitch.” Williams is one of the wealthiest members of Congress and a capable pirate who collected coronavirus relief funds for his car dealership. He said he didn’t hear Yoho’s comment, even though he was standing right there.
Maraud and embezzle, and even high-jack
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho
After The Hill reported Yoho’s comment, he did what any good pirate would do: he obfuscated, elided, and pontificated. While he didn’t deny using the vulgarity, Yoho told Congress in a floor speech the words “were never spoken to my colleagues.” In other words, he meant to refer to Ocasio-Cortez as a “fucking bitch,” but not say it directly to her – just close enough to be overheard. Then, with the self-righteousness of a self-declared victim, Yoho belched out this beauty: “I cannot apologize for my passion, or for loving my God, my family, and my country.” It’s okay to call a young woman a “fucking bitch” if it’s an expression of your love of God. That’s next-level piracy.
We kindle and char, inflame and ignite
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho
Wait, what is that? Ocasio-Cortez is on the floor of Congress. She won’t accept Yoho’s faux-pology. She’s not impressed that Yoho defended himself by declaring, “Having been married for 45 years with two daughters, I’m very cognizant of my language.” “(W)hat I believe is that having a daughter does not make a man decent,” Ocasio-Cortez told her colleagues. “Having a wife does not make a decent man. Treating people with dignity and respect makes a decent man. And when a decent man messes up, as we all are bound to do, he tries his best and does apologize.” Dignity and respect? Does she not realize she is among pirates?
We’re rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho
Ocasio-Cortez thanked Yoho “for showing the world that you can be a powerful man and accost women.” “You can be married and accost women,” she added. “You can take photos and project an image to the world of being a family man and accost women without remorse and with a sense of impunity.”
We’re devils and black sheep, really bad eggs
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho
She said that Yoho, by insulting her publicly, “gave permission to use that language against his wife, his daughters, women in his community, and I am here to stand up to say that is not acceptable.”
How dare this impertinent young wench metaphorically cleave Yoho to the brisket in front of his colleagues? It reminds one of the last words of a pirate named David Symson who, on his way to the gallows, recognized a woman he had raped. “I have lain with that bitch three times,” he said, “and now she has come to see me hanged.”
If this keeps up, there won’t be any pirates left in Congress. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
© 2020 by Mike Tully
(Lyrical excerpts from Yo Ho (A Pirate’s Life for Me) by George Bruns with lyrics by Xavier Atencio.)
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